Regardless of whether you’re married, separated, unmarried or divorced, bad mouthing the other parent is not appropriate behaviour. Children see themselves as a blend of both parents, half of you and half of the other parent. No matter what parents do, it’s natural for most children to continue to love their parents unconditionally and seek their acceptance. When anyone puts down the their parents it hurts them, and it’s especially hurtful when it comes from one of their own parents.
Not only does it hurt your child’s feelings, but it puts them in the awful position of feeling like they have to choose sides. Children can be extremely loyal to their parents, and if they feel that they are being influenced to love one parent more than the other, or choose one parent over another to spend time with or live with, they are going to experience a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. This is often turned inward, because kids do not always have the tools to express themselves verbally. It can lead to poor self-esteem, self-blaming and self-hatred, which can turn into substance abuse, legal problems, eating disorders and self-injurious behaviours. Just as you would not want to have to choose sides between two of your children, you should not expect your child to choose between their parents.
The best thing you can do for your child is to try to get along with your ex in a civil way. Try to remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, and share the positive aspects of the other parent with your child. In any case, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
