When in a separated or blended family unit it is easy to get caught up in big emotions and blame the other parent or the separation for your child’s behaviour. Raising children is hard work and even in traditional family units children will play parents off against each other in order to get what they want.
A simple personality trait may be the reason behind the controlling behaviour, they may grow up to be amazing natural leaders, but they lack the maturity to use their trait for good. It is our job as parents to help these kids use their wiring and gifts appropriately.
Alternatively, controlling behaviour may be telling you that your child is in desperate need for more consistent limits and structure. A child who acts controlling may be telling you that they needs more autonomy and freedom appropriate for their age and development. Children change and grow and our parental goals and expectations need to grow and change with them. It’s our job to figure out what they need and how to know the difference.
You may naturally feel tempted to regain power in your home by setting more rules, saying more “no’s”, attempting to dominate a child with controlling behaviour’s may provide short-term results for parents. You may be able to force them to do what you want. However, by doing this you will be modelling your child to believe that power and control is the ultimate goal in relationships.
When responding to control seeking behaviour’s, a parent’s primary goal should be connection, not control. Connection motivates children to follow your lead, accept your guidance, and internalise your values. Try these suggestions in response to control attempts:
- Co- parent effectively- communicate respectfully with your ex spouse, it always helps when you are both on the same page. When this isn’t possible it’s important that you have consistency in your household.
- Provide structure – set consistent rules and predictable daily schedules.
- Define roles – explain your job as the adult is to make the rules and keep children safe.
- Give voice – encourage children to use words instead of manipulation to get their needs met, and then listen! If children know you will meet their needs, then their anxious desire to control will diminish.
- Learn how to Say “no”- A child may have a hard time handling words like “stop” or “no”. Try using words like: “Pause,” “Hold that thought,” “That does not work for us, but _____ does” or “You can return to this and finish later.”
- Catch them doing something right- Professionals recommend that six praises be offered for every one correction. Positive reinforcement acts as a motivator.
- Utilise consequences, not punishment – Punishment does not encourage connection but rather maintains the “me against you” mentality. Consequences like loss of privileges, or allowing the child to experience the natural consequence of their behaviour is a more effective alternative.
- Respond playfully- When a child is seeking to control, you can respond playfully with a question such as, “Are you asking or telling?” The tone of your voice can be higher and more playful sounding. The goal is to start by responding playfully, reinforcing the child’s felt safety and giving the child an opportunity to adjust their behaviour before you move on to a more firm response.
- Give choices- When responding playfully has not worked, you can offer choices. Limit choices to two options. Choices should not be threats, use a firm tone to offering choices that does not negate the adult’s role as the boss. By sharing power, they actually prove that the power is theirs to share.
- Teach Compromise- When children don’t like the choices presented teach how to compromise. If the child asks for a compromise with respect, then the answer may be yes or no. If the child asks without respect, then the answer is always no. When initially teaching children how to compromise, they may need to be prompted to try again using respect.
As you follow the above suggestions over time you should experience an increase in connection with your child and a reduction in their need to control. If you have concerns that you are not making improvements then please seek out the help from a counsellor.
