Grunts of “I dont knows“ and “whatevers”, can be disheartening while you try to solidify your relationship. Being a non-resident parent may have you feeling on the outside. But the resident parent may also be feeling distant or disconnected from the teen which is typical when teens are developing independence. Do you remember your teen years? Navigating peer pressures and conflict, hormonal mood swings, discovering self identity and developing concepts of romantic relationships.
Manage your own expectations, it’s a selfish time in their lives and it helps to be understanding. It’s all about them and their friends. Spending time with parents isn’t high on the agenda for any teen and being forced out of their comfort zone to spend time with the non-resident parent in a contact centre can be unnerving.
Connect with your teen on their terms, try involving them with the decision making. You could try saying “How about we have lunch together and then you can spend the afternoon with your friends?” Creating a low-pressure situation in which teens will feel more comfortable makes all the difference. Spending quality time with your teen shows them that your relationship with them won’t change, that you’ve always got their back and you’ll get through it together. At Lilly Pilly we offer off site supervision which allows you to say ”What would you like to do this weekend?” Giving them choices where you can make the contact time feel less forced.
Keep communicating, continue to make time to talk to your teenager outside of contact time. Your kid needs to feel valued by you. While they may not be in the mood to talk to you or have appropriate time to talk, sending them a non reciprocal message can be an important source of comfort and reassurance. This could be as simple as a funny video or well wishes for the day. They will feel more comfortable initiating a conversation when you are literally ‘not in their face’ and they feel more relaxed.
Taking sides or wanting to know all the gory details. Teens want to know the details, you may find yourself in a tricky situation being confronted by your angry teen. Preempt your teens questions and be truthful with them without oversharing. Say something simple and honest, you could say “We can’t get along anymore, so we need someone else to help make decisions.” or “I love you, but I need to work on myself.“
While this is all happening, it’s really important you take care of yourself. Make sure you have a recurring counselings sessions and take time out for self-care. Having a support system around you will also help. If you need extra help, look for an online peer support group.
